I'm such a waste of space.I'm so worthless. Am I so conceited that I need to drip my sadness onto the shoulders and backs and tee hsirts of other people? People who deserve better....who have earned better than a sniveling nobody...a space in the crowd who fills up more pants sizes than expectations and achievements....the biggest disapointment...the worst mistake. Why do i have to drag everyone down. Today was doomed from the start no matter what I did. Forgot to where long pants today. I was angry again (shocker?) and I didnt pick up my clothes the night before so I just grabbed whatever was already out and ran out the door. I didnt fully realize what I had done till I got out the door. Too late by then though. I was wearing a skirt. A skirt without leggings. Sweet perfection. I thought it would be ok. That it would cover....everything. It didnt. Cue the knowing looks and the well placed side view once overs. Yeah. I know how it is. Typical. Another dramatic artist loser girl who lives in layers and tries to escape her own skin in any way she can. Disgusting. How can she do that? It went downhill from their. I just made things worse. My friends were friendly but all I could do was pretend everything was alright. Pretend I didnt need to talk. Pretend to smile and give up the good girl smile. And that worked ....for a while. I couldnt take the acting though. I couldnt hold it in any longer. If I did. I knew exactly what would happen if I did. That or worse. So I did the only other thing I could do. I cried. And cried. And shook all over. Im getting used to it. I only wish that I hadnt caved in and tried to talk to someone. She made it better. She made it worse. I hate crying to someone else. I always felt like shit afterward. Like I do right now. And I did it in front of 3 people. Unfamiluar, Crystal and her sister Kim. It only reminded me of how I always take advantage of people. Always manage to ruin someone else's day with my sad looks, my tears, and whimpers or even my tired silence. But what would a selfish, whiny attention seeking emo brat like me care anyhow?! i mean, its not like I need someone top cry with! I do that well enough on my own right?!Oh....*sniff* I'm sorry you guys, I'm just...I'm sorry...I dont know when I started crying so much. It used to be that my tears passed through everywhere but my eyes....crystal says that crying is a perfect release but I hate it. I think it's just better to cry alone so you don't bother anyone. I wish I would just take my own advice. *sigh* I saw lazyemo333 3 times today. we havent talked seriously for a while and that makes me sad. I really enjoy talking with her y'know? Its sort of calming...but I think I'm just ruining her life too, just like i'm ruining everyone else's. She would be better off without a person like me. a person who cant walk two steps without drowning someone with her tears. A fake person with a with a wooden heart and tears made of blood and pretty lies. With chunks of yellow acids lining her body....everyday. Layer by layer. Eight sandwiches. Four bowls of cereal. Twelve muffins. There's so so so so so so much to do. And even if I disappear, it will still multiply over my body, continuing on into eternity. eating me whole and sawlloing me alive. Another endless supply of calories in human form.
Pilisa Mackey. Nutrition facts:
Serving Size: 1 too many.
Calories: Infinite
Calories from Fat: Infinite.
Ingredients: Remorse, Regret, Salt, Water, Orange Juice, Lard, Stupidity, Two tons of ugliness, 6 digital scales, a yellow notpad, full of recomendations, cats, dogs, horses, chickens, Anger, Metal, Garbage, Black thread, Buttons, Lemon seeds, Marshmallows, Barbed wire, Misguided Intentions, Isolation, Hatred, Despair, Hollow, Lost,Lonely, Gone.